It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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