What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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