I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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