You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
