You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
