you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
