the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
