In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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