he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
