never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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