I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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