By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
