I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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