i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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