I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
