ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
