I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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