i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
