You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
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