you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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