I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
