my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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