Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
