I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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