Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
