I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
