I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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