I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you had me at cake vodka
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
