I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
