i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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