paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
