I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
