In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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