I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
