can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
