maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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