You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no. you can't hotbox the world.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Randomize
