He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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