im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
