If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
