dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
