when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
