me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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