you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
