I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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