I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
