Sry I called you an 8
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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