I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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