Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
