The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think i have two assholes
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
