The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
