my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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