i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
