Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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