how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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